Andy Brett

With sincerest apologies to Meredith Wilson

Well, either you’re closing your eyes

To a situation you do not wish to acknowledge,

Or you are not aware of the caliber of disaster

Indicated by the presence of the social web in your community.

Well, you got trouble, my friend, right here,

I say, trouble right here in River City.

Why sure I’m a Facebook user,

Certainly mighty proud I say

I’m always mighty proud to say it.

I consider that the hours I spend

With a mouse in my hand are golden.

Help you cultivate a network

And a personal brand and a social graph.

Ever take and try to find

An iron-clad link from yourself

To a Fortune 500 boss, in two connections or less?

But just as I say,

It takes judgement, brains, and maturity,

To score in this online game,

I say that any twit!

Can take and tweet a text from their pocket

And they call that Twitter!

The first big step on the road

To the depths of the Singularity -

I say, first, informational texts from a plant,

Then tweets from a baby!

And the next thing ya know,

Your son is bloggin’ for money on a MacBook Pro.

And listening to some big out-of-town VC

Here to tell about somethin’ called YouTube

Not a wholesome television show, no!

But a clip that you upload right there yourself!

Like to see some stuck-up Charlie-boy

Chompin’ on his brother’s thumb? Make your Rick “roil,” well, I should say.

Now friends, let me tell you what I mean.

You got one, two, three, four, five, six connections in the graph.

Connections that mark the difference,

Between a gentlemen and a bum,

With a capital “B” and that rhymes with “C” and that stands for Cuil!

And all week long your River City

Youth’ll be twitterin’ away,

I say your young men’ll be twitterin’!

Twitterin’ away their noontime, suppertime, choretime too!

Get the pix up on Flickr

Never mind gettin’ blog feeds pulled

Or the software patched or the corners rounded.

Never mind sendin’ any emails

‘Til your parents are caught with their inbox empty

On a Saturday night and that’s trouble,

Oh, yes you got lots and lots of trouble.

I’m thinkin’ of the kids up on MySpace,

Shirt-tail young ones, peekin’ at the lolcats

Website after school, you got trouble, folks!

Right here in River City.

Trouble with a capital “T” and that rhymes with “C” and that stands for Cuil!

Now, I know all you folks are the right kind of parents.

I’m gonna be perfectly frank.

Would you like to know what kind of conversation goes

On while they’re surfin’ around that web?

They’re tryin’ out Bebo, tryin’ out Friendster,

Tryin’ out Tumblr logs like Stumblin fiends!

And tweetin’ all about

How they’re gonna delete all those photos on TwitPic from last night.

They leave the Ping hall, headin’ for Netflix Watch Instantly,

CollegeHumor men and CuteOverload women!

And Pandora! Streaming music, that’ll grab your son, your daughter

With the arms of a jungle animal’s instinct!

Mass-participation!

Friends, the social brain is the devil’s playground!

Chorus:

Trouble, oh we got trouble,

Right here in River City!

With a capital “T”, that rhymes with “C”, and that stands for Cuil,

We’ve surely got trouble!

Right here in River City,

Right here!

Gotta figure out a way to keep the young ones offline after school!

Trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble…

Harold:

Mothers of River City!

Heed that warning before it’s too late!

Watch for the tell-tale sign of corruption!

The minute your son leaves the house,

Does he resize his urls below the character limit?

Is there an overuse strain on his texting finger?

A porn cookie hidden in his browser history?

Is he starting to memorize facts from chucknorris.com?

Are certain words creeping into his conversation?

Words like “LOL”

And “icanhascheezburger?”

Well, if so my friends…

You got trouble,

Right here in River City!

With a capital “T” and that rhymes with “C” and that stands for Cuil.

We’ve surely got trouble!

Right here in River City!

Remember the meme, OK GO, and the series of tubes!

Oh, we’ve got trouble.

We’re in terrible, terrible trouble.

That site with the social network graph is a devil’s tool!

Oh yes we got trouble, trouble, we got big big trouble!

With a “T”!

Gotta rhyme it with “C”!

And that stands for Cuil!

That stands for Cuil!